Maybe I just don’t even like you anymore but I still love you
I always wish that everything could be perfect, but perfection isn’t an option for anyone. I want the perfect family, the perfect relationship, the perfect place to live, money, good grades, good health, & a successful future waiting for me.
Rn I have a fucked up family, druggie alcoholic mom, psycho brother, dead father, & problems all throughout my extended family.
My relationship has gone down the shitter, the boy I dated for so long & fell in love with broke up with me & now that we’re “back together” everything’s been going wrong & I no longer have trust, so I get mad & jealous over EVERYTHING, but he no longer gives a shit about my feelings or opinion, but I love him too much to stick up for myself cause I couldn’t stand to lose him again or upset him.
I used to have the perfect place to live. A big house my dad built, in the woods by the lake, a big yard & great things to play with like quads & boats. My family all lived on the same dirt road in the woods along our cove of the lake. When my parents split I moved to a community with my mom to live on weekdays, & after my dad died I completely lived here full time, but I still pay for my dad’s house & try to keep it as long as possible. Now my brother’s moving in but I’m too young still.
Money’s getting tighter, my mom has inheritance & so do my brother & I, but we spend all ours on keeping my dad’s house & paying his mortgage. Mom doesn’t have a job so her money won’t last much longer.
My grades are the only thing I’m proud of. I’m an honors student, but I work very hard to be that way. I wish it was easier, or at least that I cared less. But I need one thing to keep me smiling, & I’m always thrilled when I get my report cards.
My health.. Well I have a lot of problems. Lately it’s only been my kidneys, which I’ve had 2 kidney surgeries this month. But I’m healing & hopefully it keeps getting better & I don’t have to deal with anymore stones.
I can’t guarantee myself a successful future. No one really can. I’m stuck about where to go to college, my grades can get me into many places & I have average SAT scores, but around me there aren’t too many good small schools, & that’s what I want. I wanna stay around here, & I wouldn’t learn well in a huge school, which I know would stress me out way too much.
I don’t know what to do now. I have friends that keep me going, but all of my ‘best friends’ each have a different friend they consider their ‘best friend’ & I’m no one’s first choice. Sometimes I feel like I have some friends who use me because I’m one of the only people around who throws parties. Everyone just looks for alcohol anyway they can get it.
I’m too stressed out & I’m really not sure how to handle it anymore. & I’m not sure if summer is going to make it easier or harder for me, considering I’ll have a lot more free time to not do anything but think. I’m stuck, & I need guidance.
It also is awful that I’m an atheist. I need something to put faith into to get me through everything that troubles me, & every religious person just seems so much happier & hopeful all of the time. More optimistic. I can’t help being pessimistic. I just can’t. Meep